


White walls will scream

by Winterchildboobear



Series: In the face of anxiety, I freeze [3]
Category: BLURRYFACE - Twenty One Pilots (Album), Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abuse warning, Anxious Josh Dun, Josh Dun is a Sweetheart, Josh is abused, M/M, five times josh needed a huge and one time he got it, josh has anxiety, not graphic, or not so platonic, platonic cuddles, touch starved josh dun, tyler is oblivious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-26 10:04:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16679542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winterchildboobear/pseuds/Winterchildboobear
Summary: Sitting on the floor in Tyler's new apartment, Josh stared at the white walls that surrounded him. His eyes struggled to focus and gain a sense of depth in the white wasteland that Josh was staring into. A headache was beginning to form as his brain struggled to make sense at the colorless walls, pain beginning to trickle behind his eyes in small bursts. Tyler was rustling behind him, occasionally muttering something to himself as he dug through the mountain of boxes in search of his ukulele that was hidden away in the multitude of boxes.The cold terror that filled Josh at the thought of his best friend leaving ran rampant through his mind. The urge to beg his friend not to leave him was screaming at him. But could the words push their way through his frozen lips. Could he ask his friend to give up something like that for him?





	White walls will scream

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, I just want to put a disclaimer. This has a hint/triggery bit about ABUSE IN A FAMILY. With Josh and his father. So just read carefully okay. I plan to go deeper into that aspect as well. Just be aware, thank you.

White is the color of pain that pulses behind your eyes during a migraine. It is the sound of static and feeling of paper under your nails. White is the color of stressing to be perfect and stay in the lines. Josh hates white.

Sitting on the floor in Tyler's new apartment, Josh stared at the white walls that surrounded him. His eyes struggled to focus and gain a sense of depth in the white wasteland that Josh was staring into. A headache was beginning to form as his brain struggled to make sense at the colorless walls, pain beginning to trickle behind his eyes in small bursts. Tyler was rustling behind him, occasionally muttering something to himself as he dug through the mountain of boxes in search of his ukulele that was hidden away in the cardboard jungle. Tyler and Josh had spent the entirety of their afternoon lugging the frankly, too many boxes, up the rickety three flights of stairs that lead to Tyler's apartment. Josh had never been more grateful for living in a home with one set of stairs.

Tyler had bought himself an apartment a few weeks ago. Today marked the first day that he officially stepped inside as an owner. Josh remembered the night that his friend had called him to share his news. His voice was high with excitement as he told Josh all about the adventures that he would have as an adult while living in his _own_ house. Josh had tried to be excited for his friend, but all he could feel was his stomach plummet to his toes as his mind screamed at him,  _Tyler is leaving._ No longer would Josh and Tyler be only a house apart. Their Sunday afternoon naps and comic book hangouts, while their mothers visited together would no longer continue. Marking the end of a ritual that they had adopted almost eighteen years ago. Josh had forced himself to continue listening as Tyler complaining about having to learn to cook more than Ramen noodles, which Josh reminded him that he more than often failed at making those as well. Anxiety had pulsed through Josh's veins as he went to sleep that night. The fear of losing his safe place kept him awake most the night.

Josh blinked away the burning in his eyes, his focus coming back to present where he sat on the hard wood floor of Tyler's apartment. His legs folded beneath him with his elbows propped on his knees, his hands cupping his chin as he stared at the blank walls. The last apartment tenant had been a 'new age' women. Every single one of the walls in the apartment were painted a stark white. Dark black and grew accents framed the windows and door frames, everything else in the apartment had been dark and of geometrical shapes. A few odd shaped tabletoppers had been left behind when she moved out, the black painted decorations sat in the corner of the room a few pieces broken off or dangling from it's plastic whole. Josh had never understood the urge to paint a home's walls white. Why would anyone want to live in such a clinically colored area. The color white made his skin crawl, the urge to leave was always present as it reminded him of the nursing home his grandfather was kept in. It had always smelled off, like age and cigarette smoke.

"That's it," Tyler voice spoke up, dissipating Josh's train of thought. "It's gone, never to be found again. I give up, I sacrifice it to the gods of these cardboard coffins." Josh hummed in fake sympathy, forcing back the urge to scoff at his friend's dramatics. Shuffling around to face his friend, Josh drew his knees up to his chest, resting his chin on them as he peered at his best friend.

"I'm sure it's there, Tyler. Don't give up so easily, she'll think you don't love her."

"Josh, I have searched every box that could possibly hold a ukulele. She’s gone!" Tyler wailed, his body slumping over a stack of boxes. Josh shook his head as he shifted on the floor, the wooden floor sending aches through his hips. Pinching at the skin on the back of his hand, Josh huffed as he thought. His eyebrows drawing together as he tried to remember the day that they packed up Tyler's room.

"It was in the rectangle box with the blue tape." Tyler nodded seriously before turning around and facing the boxes again, his hands propped on his hips.

"Blue tape," Tyler mumbled thoughtfully before disappearing behind a rather large stack of boxes. 

"Yes!" Tyler exclaimed in delight as he walked towards Josh, a large box in hand. Sitting beside Josh, he began to tear open the box, revealing his small musical instrument that he had devoted his summer to learning. Josh had always been envious of Tyler's skill to play any instrument that he would pick up. It never ceased to amaze Josh when his friend picked up a random instrument and almost immediately began to play a tune that was nothing less than amazing.

"The cardboard gods have gifted you back your toy," Josh teased. Tyler chuckled and nodded,

"They better have. I would have hunted them down for this beauty," Tyler brandished his neon orange ukulele towards the ceiling. Josh elected to ignore the fact that Tyler had admitted to giving it up just a few minutes beforehand. 

"It's so empty here," Josh commented instead.

"Yeah, but it'll fill up when I start to unpack. First thing we need is a couch." Tyler plucked at the strings of the ukulele as he leaned against Josh, his hair tickling the underside of Josh's chin.

Josh felt his throat tighten as he imagined losing the simple moments like this, sitting with Tyler just hanging out. Tyler wasn't moving that far away, but Josh was a good ten minute drive away and he had to share the car with his siblings. It would be difficult to visit Tyler as often as he could when they lived right next to one another.

"What are you thinking about, Josh?" Josh peered at his friend, the familiar and soft question causing a small smile to tickle at the edges of Josh’s lips. 

"Just thinking that you're going to burn anything you try to cook." Tyler laughed and knocked their shoulders together.

"Yeah, you remember that time I made gatorade noodles?" Josh rolled his eyes as he recalled the culinary tragedy. 

"You were the only one who ate them." Tyler looked at his friend in offence before scoffing, "They were delicious!" He defended himself. Rolling his eyes Josh chuckled,

"They made you sick." Tyler glared at him before slowly nodding. 

"True, but we will always remember them with fondness and a queasy stomach."

They fell into a comfortable silence then. Tyler occasionally strumming a few chords on his ukulele as Josh sat in silence beside him. His chin glued to the top of his knees while his eyes stayed downcast on his shoes. They could not seem to sit on one spot for too long, drifting around the floor before returning to his shoes, tracing their shape before trying to count the holes in the fabric. Losing count, he tried to continue, distracting his brain from running circles. 

 _I am a terrible friend,_ Josh thought to himself.  _I should be happy for Tyler._ He wanted to feel happy for his best friend's accomplishment. But thinking about it only caused icy terror to fill Josh's veins. He was going to be alone with his family, with a screaming father and a mother who would no longer defend her child. Instead she would turn a blind eye, talking to Ashley about her school assignments, ignoring the cries of her son as her husband dragged him into another room, a belt in hand. Josh felt a sense of dissociation coming over him as his mind trailed back to last week, his back still ached and bore the red stripes that came with his father's drinking and disapproval. 

Raising a shaky hand, Josh tugged at the faded red strands of his hair. 

"Do you want to redye that?" Tyler asked as he noticed his friend teasing the curly strands. Josh's hair had slowly grown out to the length it had been before he shaved it off in spite of his father's request for his son to act a little more 'Christian' It had been a vibrant red at first, but recently it had faded out, turning a light pink rather than the almost crimson color that it had originally been. Josh shook his head, his hand flying back into his lap while his chin never left its spot from his knees. Tyler raised his eyebrow but did not say anything. Josh was never the most 'normal' kid, but Tyler never gave a thought to it. He was just, Josh. 

"I should probably go home soon," Josh spoke quickly, his words melding together. It was almost like he was forcing the words through unwilling lips. Tyler frowned, 

"It's only like," Tyler glanced at his wrist before realizing he does not wear a watch, shaking his head, he pulled his phone out of his pocket instead. "It is only two. Stick around, we can make food, I have supplies for sandwiches." He watched as his friend stared at the walls in silence, Josh was always likely to space off easily, but he seemed to be actually look at the walls rather than just staring without focus. Josh bit at his lip, his eyebrows knitting together. Tyler frowned as a new realization dawned on him,

"If it's your dad, Josh. Then go. Do not worry about it." Josh looked up in surprise, his eyes flickering through emotions,

"No! it's not my dad. He's been fine."  _Lie._

"Are you sure?" Tyler asked, his voice softening on its own accord. "He's still being good?" Tyler had found out about the Dun family secret last summer when Josh refused to swim without his shirt on. 

"Yeah, he's been doing better." The welts on Josh's back burned with the lie. He couldn't tell his friend that his dad was getting worse than he had ever been before. Not when Tyler was just getting out on his own and enjoying the rise of adulthood.

"Then lets make food!" Tyler exclaimed as he ran into his kitchen. The only area in the house that they unpacked,  _only because Tyler got hungry in the middle of moving in._

"I am going to use the bathroom," Josh said as he slipped down the hallway. Closing the bathroom door behind him, he slipped down to the floor. The door pressing painfully into his back, only adding onto the tears that flooded into his eyes as the safety of the door separated himself from the world. Putting a hand over his mouth, he muffled a sob. The terror of being alone hit him full force,  _nothing is going to be the same._ Josh's body was almost vibrating as he tried to hold back his cries. Wrapping his arms around himself, he buried his face into his knees. Tyler's voice drifted through the house as he sang in the kitchen. 

Taking a couple of forced deep breaths. Josh got up, lowering his eyes away from the mirror as he blew his nose. Flushing the toilet, he ran the tap. The sound of tricking water filling the bathroom. Sniffling, he splashed his face with cold water. Well aware that it would help reduce the redness and swelling in his face from crying. After a minute or two, he took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom.

"I made sandwiches, yours is ham because I know you're a weirdo and hate turkey, which is just-" turning to hand Josh his sandwich, Tyler froze as he looked at his friend. "Dude are you okay?" 

"Yeah. I think I'm allergic to the lotion in your bathroom actually," Josh said, a good excuse. 

"Oh gosh. Okay, I won’t get that anymore. I never liked it anyways, smells way too herby, I need to smell like steel and the woods," Tyler joked lightly. Concern still shown in his eyes, but he seemed to buy the lie. Placing a hand on Josh's shoulder he gave a reassuring squeeze. The touch sent a wave of ease over Josh, whose eyes slipped shut. The touch didn't last long enough. Immediately Josh wanted to force himself into Tyler's arms and just be held. To receive the comfort that he so desperately needed. Instead, Josh smiled and took the sandwich,

"Why don't you sing me a song, pretty boy. While I enjoy this lovely sandwich." With a smile Tyler nodded and left to get his ukulele, leaving his friend in the kitchen, feeling absolutely desolate.


End file.
